Tired...

Couldn't sleep again last night. When I was finally feeling tired around 10am, mommy suddenly called me. So, I have to talk with her before I can go rest. In the end, didn't sleep till 2pm.

I had been worrying for the last few days and having my own little moments of depression. When she called, I wanted to talk to her all about it. But she beat me to topics.

Apparently my daddy has been on the medicine controlling his condition for over a year now. Since the medicine will no longer be effective after a year's dosage, and that he was supposed to slowly get out of the need of medicine, he now faces the choice of increasing dosage or trying to stay off medicine. The risks of both is of course worse than before. Just after I told Kata that his condition isn't that bad as long as he's on medicine, my mom told me about that. Pretty weird. Without the medicine, my daddy won't be able to control certain chemicals in his body that will trigger his brain to get him easily agitated, irritated, angry, and all those frustrating feelings. The more he gets those feelings, the more the chemicals will be released. He won't really have control of his actions at certain point and will be like how he used to break furniture at home in the past to relieve his anger... He's mainly the reason why I get upset and scared at the sounds of people quarrelling... In any case, it's no longer these bad feelings that he has to keep under control. These chemicals that he can't control not only makes him behave like that. It'll also cause his muscles to be out of control as well as contract. We discovered that he has such an illness because his heart muscle contracted last time and we sent him to the hospital. If it happens again, I wonder if he'll live through another one of those out of controlled muscles? My mom has been really worried and was asking me what I think they should do. Why ask me, mom? I'm just as lost as you are... If they increased the dosage, his condition will only continue to worsen along the years since he'll be forever reliant on the medicine and his body will no longer attempt to get itself under control. Yet, we both know that daddy isn't in any form to be a person to control his own emotions and so if he lay off the medicine, it's only going to be a boom.

Listening to my mom being so worried really got me pretty sad... but if I break down too, I won't be of any help... So I tried my best to sound brave and optimistic. I talked with her for hours soothing her telling her that if medicine is going to be able to have him under control, then just continue medicine. Does it really matter if the dosages have to be increased from now on? It doesn't really matter...

After mom felt better, she asked me how I have been. I said things are just about the same when there were millions of things that I want to just pour out to her like I'm still a little kid... Then mommy made a funny comment. She said, "From the moment you know how to talk and think, you've never really told me anything about how you feel. If you think you can handle things on your own, then I won't bother you. Remember that I'm still here for you if you need anyone. I have always wanted to listen to you if you will be willing to let me hear." Somehow, at that moment, I laughed. I laughed as if I'm really fine and asked her what possibly would I not be able to handle? Nothing ever really happens, no? In my heart, I wanted to yell out that I need someone to hear me... I want someone to hear me. I wanted to just cry and be comforted...

I didn't exactly lie, did I? There's nothing really that I can't handle now, right? This is my life, these are paths I chose to walk, these are the fruits of my choices. What would be so hard to handle? Somehow, whether I'm happy or not, I would be able to live through it. Besides, what use would it be if I told her that I'm depressed? She wouldn't be able to do anything for me. She could listen, yes, but there isn't really anything that she could do. Why would I drag her into my misery when she already has so much to face? Why should I tell her about me when in the end telling her won't achieve anything?

Hearing me laugh, I think she really believed that I'm alright. So she proceeded with her topics. She then tells me of how my grandma has been lamenting that even death is hard to achieve. That there's no illegal immigration allowed into death. She's been in pain and wanting to die for a while now... Her illnesses that came with her old age had made her life so miserable, yet, no matter what, she's still alive. Whenever my mom talks about grandma, she'll cry. My mom married my dad and moved from Hong Kong to Macau thus living away from anywhere near grandma. This had always made her feel like she's a bad daughter. This is also one of the reason my mom feels sad to see her mom suffer. My mom keeps on telling me that she doesn't want her mother to die, that she still wants to spend more time with her. I understand that when a person think that they are about to lose something, that thing suddenly became so important that it can be scary... Yet, my mom is still in Macau. Despite all her talks, she's still going on with her daily life while lamenting her mom's condition. Maybe there are things about life that I don't understand. If she had wanted, she could have taken holidays and move back to Hong Kong to take care of grandma. Yet, she chose to continue staying in Macau. That's her choice, right? I don't think I will ever understand her choice since I think I'm more of the kind of person that acts according to impluse and emotion rather than logic...

According to mommy, my little doggies back home seems to be growing old too. You can call me cold hearted but I've long closed my heart to how they are after Pochacco died... I chose my path and left home to go aboard to study... This choice made it so that I will not be able to watch them grow up, spend time with them or be there when they die. Pochacco had been the only only one that I had ever really cared alot for. I was the midwife to his birth, watched people come and purchase off his siblings and people not wanting him coz of his big nose. Me begging daddy to let me keep him, then teaching him to make use of his big nose to open cage, doors, hold big objects, etc. When I dreamt one night of him coming to say good bye to me, I knew he died. The next morning when I called mom, it was confirmed. After his death, I closed myself to how the 2 doggies left in Macau had been doing. So when mommy told me how Bobo is having pains in his joints and ears, I sighed and said it can't be helped. I felt pity for the little dog but nothing else. I don't think I'll let my heart bleed again because of caring too much for something that will definitely has a much shorter life span than me...

All through these, I have been keeping my own emotions in check, acting like a good daughter should. Then my mom suddenly asked if I have been watching news about Hong Kong. Obviously, I had not. Why would I? My home is really in Macau and not Hong Kong even if I was born there. If I'm to bother with news, I would have watched those about Macau first, wouldn't I? So my mom told me of recent news of Hong Kong. Apparently, there's a major flu in Hong Kong that is causing everyone to be in a panic... Schools closed down early for Easter Holidays due to the fear of widespread of the flu... My mom then proceed to tell me how fearful that flu is... That's when I finally broke down... Jack had been sick for a long time now. Hearing to that made me so scared wondering if he might have caught such a flu... I started crying and crying and telling my mom how I'm now really worried. Then I told her of how I'd been insensitive and questioned if he still wants to see me when he had been sick. I just kept crying and kept talking... I can't even remember what exactly I'd said. I remember telling my mom I want to go see him but I don't know if he will still want to see me after I had said something so mean. After I'd calmed down, my mom said to me that if I think I should fly over, then go. She said that I'm old enough to make decisions for myself. That kinda took me by surprise... I never expected my mom to allow me to do something like that. She said she remembers me telling her long ago that there's no correct path in life. If the outcome of such a path is good, then you had been lucky and picked the correct path. No one knows what the correct path might be. No matter how much you plan and choose, the outcome will never be something you might expect. So, she said she'll no longer worry so much of what we do because if bad things are to happen, no matter which path she let us choose, it'll happen all the same. She told me that if I go on my own, then I should be careful and take care of myself. Then she laughed and said that if Jack ever wants to go to Macau, she'll show him around and that he can stay at our house if he wants to.

I wonder if mom only acted like that to make me feel better? I don't know... I'm really worried about him now... I really do love him alot...