Oh god... I'm still awake... I want to feel sleepy!!! Sigh... x.x
So instead of talking to myself in my room, I guess I can type out things I'd say to myself in my room... Erm, slight improvement? >_>;;
Quitted RO for a few days now. Don't really feel like I'm missing it. The stress related to it didn't all go away at once. Not that I expected them to. I guess if I do go back to playing, I'll make sure that I will be less social with people. I kind of miss talking with all the people on RO and vent but the amount of people had grown so huge that it became over whelming. That and the fact that I have to deal with people that I don't like with a smile coz I was the guild leader had really tired me.
I always thought that I can take anything with just a sigh and a smile. Bear it and let it go, then things will be ok. No matter how I had reacted, things will have to go on one way or another, and I had always chosen the less impactful path of the coward by quietly enduring things that are making me feel sad. Sadness is just a momentarily feeling. Not one that I like nor one that I intend to keep. Thus, I had always just let it come and go. Yet on nights when I can't sleep, when all the people that I care for are not around, it's when these feelings and things that had happened that came back to haunt me. I did not in any way tried remembering them nor in anyway think of things that would make me doubt or worry. They just come bugging me uninvited.
Been playing Phantasy Star Online a lot lately. I guess it's something I've chosen to do to fill up the time that I used to spend on RO. Got Rina into playing it too so I can access certain parts of the dungeons (need at least 2 people to open some doors) and then she got her boyfriend to play to which kinda left me playing on my own again. If those freaking doors don't require 2 or more people to open, I would have been able to keep soloing. Some of the quests on that game seems pretty cute. Saw my sister and her boyfriend did one that minimize their characters. Pretty cute...
Yesterday I downloaded Bomberman Land 2 for my nds and today after my love went BRB, I went playing nds instead of Phantasy Star Online. For some reason, playing it alone while remembering my sis and her boyfriend having fun together on that game just made me feel damn lonely. Why can't I just be honest and let him know I want to play with him or try those quests with him? Why the fuck am I so afraid to ask? I know it's a game he had played before and most possibly had done everything already... Me being such a noob and wanting to try all those quests and things might be boring for him... But why can't I just ask? Will it kill me if he says no to me? I really envy my sister's "Hey I want to do this, go now!" attitude. I used to be like that too, dragging people around doing things that I like.
If only I didn't mess up in my first year, I could have been graduated by now... Then I wouldn't have to be here... I could go anywhere I like.
Sometimes I wonder what I'm working for. So what if I graduate or not? I used to have a dream. A dream to become a game designer. I realized that dream when I realized that the real world can never satisfy me. Thus, I wanted to be able to create a world where anything I can think of can happen. Drawing comics or making animations are fun but just different from creating a game where people can do anything. Why do I say that this is a dream I used to have? I realized with my failure with my First year that I can never become the one to create such a world coz the mathematics required in the codings for such a world is beyond me. Not that I haven't tried, mind you. It's coz I tried that's why my first year is fucked. I would never be the one to create such a world. I guess the closest that I can get to would be character designer or studio assistant. Yet, these last few months, the game creating world had finally lost its glamour and its 17 years hold on me. I no longer really care if I can be part of game creation. Now what...?
What do I want in life then? I like making things. I like creating things. Yet I have no idea what I want to make anymore. I find that I'm slowly losing interest in many things. I really miss the "me" that was when I was in Vancouver. The one who will go to the library and volunteer, the one who went canoe-ing, the one that walked across a high place on a cross rope, the one who went camping alot, the one that is ready to try anything new that was thrown her way. I guess that was how it would be for anyone young, reckless and curious. I guess I'm slowly becoming boring? I kinda miss the old days when Jil will drive our gang around and we'll hit all the pubs we happen to pass by and see how many drinks we can order before we got busted for being underaged.
Where did my "Fuck this" attitude disappeared to? I used to just do things and worry about consequences later, always thinking that things can only get that bad and there's nothing to be worried of. Yet, these days, I'm so easily scared.
Rina goes out, I'm scared if she'll come back or not. Scared if I'll be home alone. Rina comes back together with Ray, scared that I might say something wrong and get her upset or if I might lose my temper at them. I wake up late, scared that my love might have gone online not see me then left and I'd have missed him. If he is online, scared that I might be boring. If I do try to say things, I'm scared that I might say something wrong. This "Me" has got to go. I fucking hate this "me" that I had become. It's not fun, it's depressing like hell and I'm sure it's also pissing the people around me off. Who the fuck wants to hang around a boring scaredy cat? I am sure that I'll tolerate someone like that but never really enjoy spending time with someone like that... Well, maybe pity someone like that too and I hate being pitied. And fuck... me being scared that I won't be able to finish my homework had kept me from buying a ticket for just a weekend to go visit him. I mean.. what the fuck... It's just a week or weekend that I'm going over and not like I might even be doing my homework during that time anyways. Why the fuck am I still sitting here typing all these when I should be buying the god damned ticket and be happy? but noooooo, I have to be scared of a fucking piece of homework that isn't even due till April 1st, have to fucking sit here feeling miserable when I can be happily packing my things to go see him.
God fucking hell.. I'm so pissed at myself. This "me" that I had recently become has to go. I really want to feel up and at it again. And god damnit! I want to go swimming! I haven't went swimming ever since I got that weird fucking wound. Screw it, I'm not gonna worry about infecting it or watever anymore. I'm going to go for a swim even if it's gonna kill me. Why should I worry if I might catch something and die if I'm not even doing what I want to do?
Ah whatever... time to roll back onto bed and see if I can sleep. If not, I guess I can always bang my head on the wall and knock myself out.
1 comment:
not trying to be a killjoy nor trying to be sarcastic or whatever the term (negative, bad, bully, whatever) no, I'm not. Just want to throw in my 2 cents.
with all due respect... this love of yours - whether the person, the interest (passion, career field, etc...), hobby, games... are you keeping them because you really like and love these things, or are you just keeping them for the sake of keeping them?
It seems like you are tying yourself up and keeping yourself caged. Maybe it's the things you want to accomplish, maybe it's the way you try to accomplish, or maybe it's just your perception, or your point of view, that is keeping you caged.
Academic accomplishments... can take time. Take the time to find yourself - your true self - then worry about the academic stuff. Go get the ticket. Take a break. Don't make your daily doings a routine. Lost your Fuck it attitude? Adapt it to a Screw it attitude.
Take a short break then reflect, instead of keeping yourself tensed and trapped and thinking of all the less-positive things.
For me, the way I got over my episode of depression was to let it all go - Give up my perfect schooling scores, give up the take-it-all-in-and-smile work attitude (aka "the good girl in the office"), forget about keeping that someone's attention on me. I'm now a much happier person and find it alot easier to get along with people. The day I scored a measely 12/20, I had alot more damn fun than the day I found out I scored 19/20 on 3 different subjects.
hope this could provide you some insight or inspiration.
(though I still thing wordpress is better than blogspot; each to his own, blogspot has more flexibility with widgets though)
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