Sigh...

I thought I'd be able to sleep through tonight after having slept so little yesterday... but no... I'm here alone in the night again thinking things and typing these to myself. Guess sleeping at night isn't my thing anymore... Time to turn into a vampire.....

My love had been sick for a long time now... Since I have no clue of his exact condition and all he ever tells me is that he felt like crap, I had been worried for a while now. Yet, like always, I failed in letting him know that I worry and care. He has every right to be mad at me being like that... instead of being concerned if he's alright since he hasn't been on, I jumped to the conclusion that he must be finding me boring... So instead of showing my concern about him, I jumped and pop the question "do you still want to see me?" at him when he got online... That just yells out "hey, I have no faith in your love to me, do you still love me?" when in fact I do believe that he loves me... I don't really know why I didn't stop and think before I questioned him... I'm such a jerk... Just when I finally got my payments on my credit card done and after Kata's encouragement, I had decided to just say fuck it to my mom, sis and assignment and just fly over to see him since to me, he's the most important, I had made him angry... I really wanted to go see him to see how he is, if he's ok as well as how he is in his own turf and the place that he grew up in...

March 14... exactly one month ago that he flew over to see me...

Kata:

I was really surprised when I saw your comment in my blog. We haven't really talked with each other for almost a year now? I really miss you. Everytime I'm sad, you somehow magically pop up like a guardian angel. I really have to somehow thankyou for all these years... I miss you my dear... To your question in the comment, yes, I realize I'm caged and binded by things. There are certain things that I'm keeping because of reasons other than because I love/like. Do not worry, I do love the person that I'm currently with. I won't be with a guy that I don't love. He's super sweet and caring. Yet, I think I'm still very affected by how all my past relationships had been and had made me pretty reserved with him... I know this is very unfair for him but I can't help the feeling of having impending doom and getting scared. The more I am afraid of losing him, the more I'm keeping quiet about how I feel for him and I guess that will push him away... I've been trying my best even if no one had noticed...

As for the gaming, after you quitted RO, alot of things had happened and somehow, I became a guild leader and had made a very successful guild that can hold castles. I'll admit though that our noob days with you and me running around from map to map to get to places had been more fun than me having multiple transcendant classes and owning millions of zeny. I made that guild when I broke up with my ex to keep around a few people that matters to me. One of them, the most important one, is the person that I love now. Yes, I got together with someone I met on RO... This is gonna cause another episode with my mom sooner or later but I'm ready to face them if it's for him... The guild grew way bigger than I had originally thought it would and with more people, more drama is bound to happen. I don't really like RO that much... had really stayed after you quitted cause I met a few friends here and there and the people there had always been the reason that I kept on playing. Yet, the guild had caused the person most important to me to be upset. I do not want to be held under the title of "guild leader" and bound by my job and not be able to stand up for him... I had originally wanted to just break the guild and kept on playing with him. Somehow, I realize that RO doesn't really have much to make me want to stay.

The night I told him that I want to quit, he told me that he'll quit with me if I'm quitting. So I made my annoucement of retirement to the guild thinking that if he doesn't play anymore, then there'll really be no reason for me to continue. Yet, after I quitted, he continued to play. I don't want to make him quit if he still likes the game. So I said nothing about it. I do want to play with him though... I don't really care what game I play as long as I can spend time with him... He was the one who introduced me to Phantasy Star Online and I had been trying to get my character to a decent level so I won't be dragging him down... Somehow, I got my sister into playing too so I could level more to catch up to him while he's not around. I guess I got too engrossed in it and out leveled him... He rarely plays that game with me alone and my sis and her boyfriend always join us when we play. That is fun in a different way. Sometimes I wish to just play with him but he seems pretty busy as well as being sick lately... Since he's all the way in the US, I had no idea just how sick he was... He was rarely online and we talked a lot lesser the last few days... I guess that's why I was so depressed since self centered me thought that he doesn't want to see me anymore... Instead of being concerned of how his health was, the first thing I asked him when I saw him online was if he still wants to see me... I'm such a jerk...

Academic wise, I don't really have a problem with the things I'm doing now. Without exerting much effort, I'm scoring around 80+% for my assignments and tests. I know I can do better than that but... well, like you know, I'm lazy like I had always been. What I was lamenting about not having graduated yet is of course that tying me down and me not being able to move to his place since I'm so close to graduating and I doubt my mom would like it if I start over in another university...

All in all, I'm inside a cage weaved by myself. I know that... and I know that I'm suffocating myself and the people around me. That's why, I want to change. That's why I started blogging again so that I can relieve my stress and let people hear what I feel through such an indirect way since I'm pretty bad at conversing with people. You know how emotional I can be... and how bad I'm at with saying what I think... Somehow, no matter what my intention was, when I really do want to get my feeling through, I'll end up saying the wrong thing...

I don't really know what to do now that he's mad at me. I still want to get that ticket and fly over even if he's mad at me and might not want to see me... I want to make sure that he's alright... I want to take care of him...