Wonder when I can stop.

Final exam this coming tuesday. It's also his bday on tuesday. Can't stop thinking of whether I should send him anything... I mean... I already got the stuff I wanted to send him... but I dont know if I should... I mean... I told him I wont contact him. I should keep my words shouldnt I? But then again... does it really matter anymore if I keep my words? Nothing's gonna change if I keep my words or not. My words shouldnt matter to him anymore... garrr... Can't wait till tuesday come and go... maybe after that I'd be able to stop thinking about him?

Tired like hell x.x

Been slaving over my assignment for hours these last few days~ gonna post it for you guys to see once my prof marked it~

Been so busy and yet felt so empty. Yet, not much time to dwell upon things till I fell asleep... you'd think my brain would be kind to me and let me sleep peacefully... but no~ alas! Ah wells~ Came to the decision that it doesn't really matter that it doesn't matter that he doesn't want me anymore... as long as he's doing well and happy, I'd be alright. Doesn't affect how I feel for him.

Look forward to me posting my assignment~ If you can't wait, poke me on msn and I'll send you~~ XD

Spending Time

Finally finished reading the last book of Harry Potter. Didn't know it'd make me cry so much... Loved the twists and turns and revelations... Ah~ so much emotions flooded over me while reading it.

Started squishing clay again and I'm 100% sure now that whatever those clay contains, it's making my hands going bloated upon contact... but still, I really like making those clay figures~ not to mention that I need to make them since I have to hand in my claymation assignment... I just hope the numbness isn't some kind of weird effect from toxins... So far, the numbness will be gone after a night's sleep and will happen again only if I touched the clay again. Should be ok~

My knee that I had twisted a week or so ago seems to finally be alright. Doesn't hurt or anything anymore when I walk or move around~ think I'll start going swimming after my exam on April 8 and then when the weather isn't too cold, I'll start taking walks and joggings too~ Maybe when I finally feel up to it... I'll start cooking again.

My spirits are still kinda low and I'm missing him like crazy... but I'll be ok... I can handle myself... and I definitely have to burn my passport to prevent myself from flying over and acting like a stalker... x.x

Who am I kidding?

Despite my desire to be able to just smile and say I'm alright, despite my efforts to keep myself so busy so that I won't have time to think about him, I'm missing him like crazy...

Yet, I'm sticking to my word and not contacting him in any way... I said I won't... so I guess I shouldn't. I wonder if he's alright... I wonder how he is... Maybe he hates me? Maybe he's happy that I am no longer bugging him...? I realize that I seem to be thinking of weird things to hurt myself... I wonder if he ever thought of me or misses me...? Sigh...

Bought a few books and went through all of them already... Started playing some old non online games to fill up my time. Chris showed me Requiem - Bloodymare today and I'm thinking of playing that when it gets to open beta. Seems like something I'd like. Hopefully it'll be fun and take my mind off its wanderings.

I guess this is it...

He messaged me and told me to leave him alone. I guess this is it. I guess I don't have to make that trip to KY anymore. Guess I can tell mom that I can go back to Macau after my exam now... Originally wanted to spend all 3 weeks between the end of my semester and the beginning of the next in KY... I love him so much, I miss him so much. But I guess it all doesn't matter now...

He said that I don't care about being with him but about NOT being with him. I guess in a way, I never really showed him how much I liked being with him... I guess I showed too much of my insecured side... I guess I'm too needy...

I'm going to try my best and become the independant girl that I was. The one that doesn't need anyone. I won't try to contact him anymore... what's the point? He doesn't want me anymore. Doesn't matter what I say anymore. I guess it's for the best... I've done nothing but made him mad and sad all the time and then be demanding of his attention and wondering and doubting him.

Uninstalled RO from my comp. I don't want to keep trying to see if he might still be on RO or if he had divorced my sinx yet. If one day he does, I know I'll be devastated... better to not know... better to uninstall the game and never find out... Uninstalled Phantasy Star Online too... I really liked that game but I don't want to run into him on the game if he still plays... Nor do I want him to not play anything to avoid me. Uninstalled Secret of Solstice too although he hasn't played that for a long time now... but still I uninstalled it since it was because of him that I played SOS. Uninstalled Skype and Ventrilo... no use of them anymore. Uninstalled Gunbound too... Was going to delete the photos and videos of when he was here... but then I stopped and told myself that this would just be silly since deleting those cannot erase my memories of when he was here and it won't deny the fact that he was here.

I wonder if I should send him back his shirt and woolie hat that he left at my place... Sigh... I guess I should...

I'm glad he sent me that message... at least I can stop hoping now... at least he was clear about it. Soon, I'll be ok... I'll recover... I'll be fine again... Soon... Soon I'll be able to lock my feelings back into my heart... I'll be able to find myself again... Soon...

Right now, can I just be weak and cry?

Tired...

Couldn't sleep again last night. When I was finally feeling tired around 10am, mommy suddenly called me. So, I have to talk with her before I can go rest. In the end, didn't sleep till 2pm.

I had been worrying for the last few days and having my own little moments of depression. When she called, I wanted to talk to her all about it. But she beat me to topics.

Apparently my daddy has been on the medicine controlling his condition for over a year now. Since the medicine will no longer be effective after a year's dosage, and that he was supposed to slowly get out of the need of medicine, he now faces the choice of increasing dosage or trying to stay off medicine. The risks of both is of course worse than before. Just after I told Kata that his condition isn't that bad as long as he's on medicine, my mom told me about that. Pretty weird. Without the medicine, my daddy won't be able to control certain chemicals in his body that will trigger his brain to get him easily agitated, irritated, angry, and all those frustrating feelings. The more he gets those feelings, the more the chemicals will be released. He won't really have control of his actions at certain point and will be like how he used to break furniture at home in the past to relieve his anger... He's mainly the reason why I get upset and scared at the sounds of people quarrelling... In any case, it's no longer these bad feelings that he has to keep under control. These chemicals that he can't control not only makes him behave like that. It'll also cause his muscles to be out of control as well as contract. We discovered that he has such an illness because his heart muscle contracted last time and we sent him to the hospital. If it happens again, I wonder if he'll live through another one of those out of controlled muscles? My mom has been really worried and was asking me what I think they should do. Why ask me, mom? I'm just as lost as you are... If they increased the dosage, his condition will only continue to worsen along the years since he'll be forever reliant on the medicine and his body will no longer attempt to get itself under control. Yet, we both know that daddy isn't in any form to be a person to control his own emotions and so if he lay off the medicine, it's only going to be a boom.

Listening to my mom being so worried really got me pretty sad... but if I break down too, I won't be of any help... So I tried my best to sound brave and optimistic. I talked with her for hours soothing her telling her that if medicine is going to be able to have him under control, then just continue medicine. Does it really matter if the dosages have to be increased from now on? It doesn't really matter...

After mom felt better, she asked me how I have been. I said things are just about the same when there were millions of things that I want to just pour out to her like I'm still a little kid... Then mommy made a funny comment. She said, "From the moment you know how to talk and think, you've never really told me anything about how you feel. If you think you can handle things on your own, then I won't bother you. Remember that I'm still here for you if you need anyone. I have always wanted to listen to you if you will be willing to let me hear." Somehow, at that moment, I laughed. I laughed as if I'm really fine and asked her what possibly would I not be able to handle? Nothing ever really happens, no? In my heart, I wanted to yell out that I need someone to hear me... I want someone to hear me. I wanted to just cry and be comforted...

I didn't exactly lie, did I? There's nothing really that I can't handle now, right? This is my life, these are paths I chose to walk, these are the fruits of my choices. What would be so hard to handle? Somehow, whether I'm happy or not, I would be able to live through it. Besides, what use would it be if I told her that I'm depressed? She wouldn't be able to do anything for me. She could listen, yes, but there isn't really anything that she could do. Why would I drag her into my misery when she already has so much to face? Why should I tell her about me when in the end telling her won't achieve anything?

Hearing me laugh, I think she really believed that I'm alright. So she proceeded with her topics. She then tells me of how my grandma has been lamenting that even death is hard to achieve. That there's no illegal immigration allowed into death. She's been in pain and wanting to die for a while now... Her illnesses that came with her old age had made her life so miserable, yet, no matter what, she's still alive. Whenever my mom talks about grandma, she'll cry. My mom married my dad and moved from Hong Kong to Macau thus living away from anywhere near grandma. This had always made her feel like she's a bad daughter. This is also one of the reason my mom feels sad to see her mom suffer. My mom keeps on telling me that she doesn't want her mother to die, that she still wants to spend more time with her. I understand that when a person think that they are about to lose something, that thing suddenly became so important that it can be scary... Yet, my mom is still in Macau. Despite all her talks, she's still going on with her daily life while lamenting her mom's condition. Maybe there are things about life that I don't understand. If she had wanted, she could have taken holidays and move back to Hong Kong to take care of grandma. Yet, she chose to continue staying in Macau. That's her choice, right? I don't think I will ever understand her choice since I think I'm more of the kind of person that acts according to impluse and emotion rather than logic...

According to mommy, my little doggies back home seems to be growing old too. You can call me cold hearted but I've long closed my heart to how they are after Pochacco died... I chose my path and left home to go aboard to study... This choice made it so that I will not be able to watch them grow up, spend time with them or be there when they die. Pochacco had been the only only one that I had ever really cared alot for. I was the midwife to his birth, watched people come and purchase off his siblings and people not wanting him coz of his big nose. Me begging daddy to let me keep him, then teaching him to make use of his big nose to open cage, doors, hold big objects, etc. When I dreamt one night of him coming to say good bye to me, I knew he died. The next morning when I called mom, it was confirmed. After his death, I closed myself to how the 2 doggies left in Macau had been doing. So when mommy told me how Bobo is having pains in his joints and ears, I sighed and said it can't be helped. I felt pity for the little dog but nothing else. I don't think I'll let my heart bleed again because of caring too much for something that will definitely has a much shorter life span than me...

All through these, I have been keeping my own emotions in check, acting like a good daughter should. Then my mom suddenly asked if I have been watching news about Hong Kong. Obviously, I had not. Why would I? My home is really in Macau and not Hong Kong even if I was born there. If I'm to bother with news, I would have watched those about Macau first, wouldn't I? So my mom told me of recent news of Hong Kong. Apparently, there's a major flu in Hong Kong that is causing everyone to be in a panic... Schools closed down early for Easter Holidays due to the fear of widespread of the flu... My mom then proceed to tell me how fearful that flu is... That's when I finally broke down... Jack had been sick for a long time now. Hearing to that made me so scared wondering if he might have caught such a flu... I started crying and crying and telling my mom how I'm now really worried. Then I told her of how I'd been insensitive and questioned if he still wants to see me when he had been sick. I just kept crying and kept talking... I can't even remember what exactly I'd said. I remember telling my mom I want to go see him but I don't know if he will still want to see me after I had said something so mean. After I'd calmed down, my mom said to me that if I think I should fly over, then go. She said that I'm old enough to make decisions for myself. That kinda took me by surprise... I never expected my mom to allow me to do something like that. She said she remembers me telling her long ago that there's no correct path in life. If the outcome of such a path is good, then you had been lucky and picked the correct path. No one knows what the correct path might be. No matter how much you plan and choose, the outcome will never be something you might expect. So, she said she'll no longer worry so much of what we do because if bad things are to happen, no matter which path she let us choose, it'll happen all the same. She told me that if I go on my own, then I should be careful and take care of myself. Then she laughed and said that if Jack ever wants to go to Macau, she'll show him around and that he can stay at our house if he wants to.

I wonder if mom only acted like that to make me feel better? I don't know... I'm really worried about him now... I really do love him alot...

Yet another night...

Can't seem to fall asleep again tonight... finally fell asleep at 10 this morning and woke at 12pm. So I've slept a total of 2 hours yesterday and still I can't fall asleep. I think it's coz I haven't been doing much. Not playing games, not studying, not working out, not doing anything... So, my body doesn't need that much rest anymore?

He hasn't been online at all today... I hope he's ok... I hope he's not too sick and stuck in bed.
Love, I miss you... I hope you are alright. I love you.

Sigh...

I thought I'd be able to sleep through tonight after having slept so little yesterday... but no... I'm here alone in the night again thinking things and typing these to myself. Guess sleeping at night isn't my thing anymore... Time to turn into a vampire.....

My love had been sick for a long time now... Since I have no clue of his exact condition and all he ever tells me is that he felt like crap, I had been worried for a while now. Yet, like always, I failed in letting him know that I worry and care. He has every right to be mad at me being like that... instead of being concerned if he's alright since he hasn't been on, I jumped to the conclusion that he must be finding me boring... So instead of showing my concern about him, I jumped and pop the question "do you still want to see me?" at him when he got online... That just yells out "hey, I have no faith in your love to me, do you still love me?" when in fact I do believe that he loves me... I don't really know why I didn't stop and think before I questioned him... I'm such a jerk... Just when I finally got my payments on my credit card done and after Kata's encouragement, I had decided to just say fuck it to my mom, sis and assignment and just fly over to see him since to me, he's the most important, I had made him angry... I really wanted to go see him to see how he is, if he's ok as well as how he is in his own turf and the place that he grew up in...

March 14... exactly one month ago that he flew over to see me...

Kata:

I was really surprised when I saw your comment in my blog. We haven't really talked with each other for almost a year now? I really miss you. Everytime I'm sad, you somehow magically pop up like a guardian angel. I really have to somehow thankyou for all these years... I miss you my dear... To your question in the comment, yes, I realize I'm caged and binded by things. There are certain things that I'm keeping because of reasons other than because I love/like. Do not worry, I do love the person that I'm currently with. I won't be with a guy that I don't love. He's super sweet and caring. Yet, I think I'm still very affected by how all my past relationships had been and had made me pretty reserved with him... I know this is very unfair for him but I can't help the feeling of having impending doom and getting scared. The more I am afraid of losing him, the more I'm keeping quiet about how I feel for him and I guess that will push him away... I've been trying my best even if no one had noticed...

As for the gaming, after you quitted RO, alot of things had happened and somehow, I became a guild leader and had made a very successful guild that can hold castles. I'll admit though that our noob days with you and me running around from map to map to get to places had been more fun than me having multiple transcendant classes and owning millions of zeny. I made that guild when I broke up with my ex to keep around a few people that matters to me. One of them, the most important one, is the person that I love now. Yes, I got together with someone I met on RO... This is gonna cause another episode with my mom sooner or later but I'm ready to face them if it's for him... The guild grew way bigger than I had originally thought it would and with more people, more drama is bound to happen. I don't really like RO that much... had really stayed after you quitted cause I met a few friends here and there and the people there had always been the reason that I kept on playing. Yet, the guild had caused the person most important to me to be upset. I do not want to be held under the title of "guild leader" and bound by my job and not be able to stand up for him... I had originally wanted to just break the guild and kept on playing with him. Somehow, I realize that RO doesn't really have much to make me want to stay.

The night I told him that I want to quit, he told me that he'll quit with me if I'm quitting. So I made my annoucement of retirement to the guild thinking that if he doesn't play anymore, then there'll really be no reason for me to continue. Yet, after I quitted, he continued to play. I don't want to make him quit if he still likes the game. So I said nothing about it. I do want to play with him though... I don't really care what game I play as long as I can spend time with him... He was the one who introduced me to Phantasy Star Online and I had been trying to get my character to a decent level so I won't be dragging him down... Somehow, I got my sister into playing too so I could level more to catch up to him while he's not around. I guess I got too engrossed in it and out leveled him... He rarely plays that game with me alone and my sis and her boyfriend always join us when we play. That is fun in a different way. Sometimes I wish to just play with him but he seems pretty busy as well as being sick lately... Since he's all the way in the US, I had no idea just how sick he was... He was rarely online and we talked a lot lesser the last few days... I guess that's why I was so depressed since self centered me thought that he doesn't want to see me anymore... Instead of being concerned of how his health was, the first thing I asked him when I saw him online was if he still wants to see me... I'm such a jerk...

Academic wise, I don't really have a problem with the things I'm doing now. Without exerting much effort, I'm scoring around 80+% for my assignments and tests. I know I can do better than that but... well, like you know, I'm lazy like I had always been. What I was lamenting about not having graduated yet is of course that tying me down and me not being able to move to his place since I'm so close to graduating and I doubt my mom would like it if I start over in another university...

All in all, I'm inside a cage weaved by myself. I know that... and I know that I'm suffocating myself and the people around me. That's why, I want to change. That's why I started blogging again so that I can relieve my stress and let people hear what I feel through such an indirect way since I'm pretty bad at conversing with people. You know how emotional I can be... and how bad I'm at with saying what I think... Somehow, no matter what my intention was, when I really do want to get my feeling through, I'll end up saying the wrong thing...

I don't really know what to do now that he's mad at me. I still want to get that ticket and fly over even if he's mad at me and might not want to see me... I want to make sure that he's alright... I want to take care of him...

Nostalgia

Oh god... I'm still awake... I want to feel sleepy!!! Sigh... x.x

So instead of talking to myself in my room, I guess I can type out things I'd say to myself in my room... Erm, slight improvement? >_>;;

Quitted RO for a few days now. Don't really feel like I'm missing it. The stress related to it didn't all go away at once. Not that I expected them to. I guess if I do go back to playing, I'll make sure that I will be less social with people. I kind of miss talking with all the people on RO and vent but the amount of people had grown so huge that it became over whelming. That and the fact that I have to deal with people that I don't like with a smile coz I was the guild leader had really tired me.

I always thought that I can take anything with just a sigh and a smile. Bear it and let it go, then things will be ok. No matter how I had reacted, things will have to go on one way or another, and I had always chosen the less impactful path of the coward by quietly enduring things that are making me feel sad. Sadness is just a momentarily feeling. Not one that I like nor one that I intend to keep. Thus, I had always just let it come and go. Yet on nights when I can't sleep, when all the people that I care for are not around, it's when these feelings and things that had happened that came back to haunt me. I did not in any way tried remembering them nor in anyway think of things that would make me doubt or worry. They just come bugging me uninvited.

Been playing Phantasy Star Online a lot lately. I guess it's something I've chosen to do to fill up the time that I used to spend on RO. Got Rina into playing it too so I can access certain parts of the dungeons (need at least 2 people to open some doors) and then she got her boyfriend to play to which kinda left me playing on my own again. If those freaking doors don't require 2 or more people to open, I would have been able to keep soloing. Some of the quests on that game seems pretty cute. Saw my sister and her boyfriend did one that minimize their characters. Pretty cute...

Yesterday I downloaded Bomberman Land 2 for my nds and today after my love went BRB, I went playing nds instead of Phantasy Star Online. For some reason, playing it alone while remembering my sis and her boyfriend having fun together on that game just made me feel damn lonely. Why can't I just be honest and let him know I want to play with him or try those quests with him? Why the fuck am I so afraid to ask? I know it's a game he had played before and most possibly had done everything already... Me being such a noob and wanting to try all those quests and things might be boring for him... But why can't I just ask? Will it kill me if he says no to me? I really envy my sister's "Hey I want to do this, go now!" attitude. I used to be like that too, dragging people around doing things that I like.

If only I didn't mess up in my first year, I could have been graduated by now... Then I wouldn't have to be here... I could go anywhere I like.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm working for. So what if I graduate or not? I used to have a dream. A dream to become a game designer. I realized that dream when I realized that the real world can never satisfy me. Thus, I wanted to be able to create a world where anything I can think of can happen. Drawing comics or making animations are fun but just different from creating a game where people can do anything. Why do I say that this is a dream I used to have? I realized with my failure with my First year that I can never become the one to create such a world coz the mathematics required in the codings for such a world is beyond me. Not that I haven't tried, mind you. It's coz I tried that's why my first year is fucked. I would never be the one to create such a world. I guess the closest that I can get to would be character designer or studio assistant. Yet, these last few months, the game creating world had finally lost its glamour and its 17 years hold on me. I no longer really care if I can be part of game creation. Now what...?

What do I want in life then? I like making things. I like creating things. Yet I have no idea what I want to make anymore. I find that I'm slowly losing interest in many things. I really miss the "me" that was when I was in Vancouver. The one who will go to the library and volunteer, the one who went canoe-ing, the one that walked across a high place on a cross rope, the one who went camping alot, the one that is ready to try anything new that was thrown her way. I guess that was how it would be for anyone young, reckless and curious. I guess I'm slowly becoming boring? I kinda miss the old days when Jil will drive our gang around and we'll hit all the pubs we happen to pass by and see how many drinks we can order before we got busted for being underaged.

Where did my "Fuck this" attitude disappeared to? I used to just do things and worry about consequences later, always thinking that things can only get that bad and there's nothing to be worried of. Yet, these days, I'm so easily scared.

Rina goes out, I'm scared if she'll come back or not. Scared if I'll be home alone. Rina comes back together with Ray, scared that I might say something wrong and get her upset or if I might lose my temper at them. I wake up late, scared that my love might have gone online not see me then left and I'd have missed him. If he is online, scared that I might be boring. If I do try to say things, I'm scared that I might say something wrong. This "Me" has got to go. I fucking hate this "me" that I had become. It's not fun, it's depressing like hell and I'm sure it's also pissing the people around me off. Who the fuck wants to hang around a boring scaredy cat? I am sure that I'll tolerate someone like that but never really enjoy spending time with someone like that... Well, maybe pity someone like that too and I hate being pitied. And fuck... me being scared that I won't be able to finish my homework had kept me from buying a ticket for just a weekend to go visit him. I mean.. what the fuck... It's just a week or weekend that I'm going over and not like I might even be doing my homework during that time anyways. Why the fuck am I still sitting here typing all these when I should be buying the god damned ticket and be happy? but noooooo, I have to be scared of a fucking piece of homework that isn't even due till April 1st, have to fucking sit here feeling miserable when I can be happily packing my things to go see him.

God fucking hell.. I'm so pissed at myself. This "me" that I had recently become has to go. I really want to feel up and at it again. And god damnit! I want to go swimming! I haven't went swimming ever since I got that weird fucking wound. Screw it, I'm not gonna worry about infecting it or watever anymore. I'm going to go for a swim even if it's gonna kill me. Why should I worry if I might catch something and die if I'm not even doing what I want to do?

Ah whatever... time to roll back onto bed and see if I can sleep. If not, I guess I can always bang my head on the wall and knock myself out.

Yet another blog~

I had been switching from blogs to blogs for a while and had thought that I'd use my MySpace to blog. Yet somehow, I'm slightly lazy to log onto that to blog. Somehow blog spot seems to make me blog more.

Yet another sleepless night. I wonder what's wrong with me lately. I guess it's coz I slept too much in the day. I really should fix my sleeping time.

So like how I've always explain the names of my blogs, I'll do so for this one too. Ignis Diligo. Ignis = Fire Diligo = Love. I bet Hatty will say "Infatuation" when she sees the name and meaning of my blog. I don't know how you might see my feeling as. A feeling that I won't even attempt to explain. I really love him alot. I really wish I can be with him forever.

Tomorrow will be 14th of March. Exactly one month from when he came to visit me. That was the happiest few days of my life so far. I'm planning on visiting him within this month. Yet things kept happening and I've been so busy lately that I couldn't finish up my assignment... and I don't feel confident enough to run off and have fun while there's work to be done x.x I really miss him alot though...